


The Silence Of The Night

by lovenhardt1



Category: Adam Lambert (Musician), Tommy Ratliff (Musician)
Genre: Friends to Lovers, M/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-04-23
Updated: 2012-04-23
Packaged: 2017-11-04 04:26:39
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 19,995
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/389733
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lovenhardt1/pseuds/lovenhardt1
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A candle flickers softly and helps making the sound of the rain drumming against the window cozy. The light from it caresses Tommy’s face on the pillow; shadows and light move together and Adam follows their caress with one of his own. A content smile tugs at the curve of Tommy’s lips as he drifts off to sleep.</p>
<p>Getting up on an elbow with a hand under his cheek Adam gazes at him, and before he can even think about holding it back he whispers, “You’re so beautiful.” Somewhere in Tommy’s subconscious the words must reach him because his nose scrunches a little, like he’s denying Adam’s words just as he would be doing it if he were awake. Adam’s smiles lovingly and because he knows it’s safe, that Tommy is too far into dreamland to really notice he continues.....</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Silence Of The Night

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimers: The people you might recognize in here are NOT mine. I'm not making any profit, I'm only doing this for fun. There is no way this ever happened and so on.  
> Beta: @aislinntlc. Thank you sweetie for all your help!  
> A/N: I had some really incredible cheerleaders on this fic!!! I love you all dearly! And I couldn’t have done it without you! So THANK YOU!!!

A candle flickers softly and helps making the sound of the rain drumming against the window cozy. The light from it caresses Tommy’s face on the pillow; shadows and light move together and Adam follows their caress with one of his own. A content smile tugs at the curve of Tommy’s lips as he drifts off to sleep. 

Getting up on an elbow with a hand under his cheek Adam gazes at him, and before he can even think about holding it back he whispers, “You’re so beautiful.” Somewhere in Tommy’s subconscious the words must reach him because his nose scrunches a little, like he’s denying Adam’s words just as he would be doing it if he were awake. Adam’s smiles lovingly and because he knows it’s safe, that Tommy is too far into dreamland to really notice he continues. “I cannot believe this is real, I’m proud to be the one lying next to you. We fit, you and I… but I guess I knew that the moment our eyes met the first time.” Adam smiles to himself as the memory of the first time he ever met Tommy washes over him.

_ Tired as hell, Adam gets ready for the next person the label okay’ed to get a callback. A guitar player turned bass player. Huh. _

_ He looks at the photo taken the day before and reads the notes about yesterday’s performance. Apparently this guy is more than good looks. _

_ The door opens and the face matching the one on the photo looks around it. A shy nervous smile combined with a spark of recognition gets sent Monte’s way and Monte beckons him in. “Hi Tommy, welcome back.”  _

_ “Thanks for the callback.” Tommy walks over and offers Monte his hand. They shake and Monte turns towards Adam, introducing them. _

_ For a brief moment Tommy looks up and into Adam’s eyes before he extends his hand to Adam. Something shifts in Adam when their eyes meet; a warm and happy feeling ignites in him and he smiles widely back at Tommy. The strength Tommy shows in the handshake surprises Adam, though he knows it shouldn’t, it’s just that Tommy looks kinda small and delicate. Pretty. _

_ The way Tommy plays and the way he talks with Monte makes Adam curious enough to ignore the attraction stirring and focus on why Tommy would be a fit for his new band. _

_ The moment Adam decides Tommy is perfect for this new adventure Adam is entering isn’t clear to him, but it definitely has something to do with the passion in his voice when he speaks of music in that obnoxious but cute valley accent, his two toned hair and the eyeliner, but also the way he animates with his hands whenever he isn’t holding on to his instrument. It’s kind of adorable as if he doesn’t know what to do with his hands when he isn’t strumming a chord. All Adam knows is that there isn’t a snowball’s chance in hell that he’ll ever get bored around Tommy Joe. He just needs to know one thing before offering him the spot as bassist. “Do you have any commitment that’ll keep you here?” _

_ “Are you asking if I have a girlfriend?” Tommy asks, laughter in his eyes as if he sees right though Adam. _

_ “I’m asking if you’ll be homesick and miserable halfway through a tour because someone wants you back home.” _

_ “Oh.” Where there was humor playing in Tommy’s voice before there’s now a contemplating and wondering tone, like he doesn’t really understand Adam’s concern. “She’ll understand; she knows this is my dream. I wouldn’t be in the way of her dream, so why would she get in the way of mine?”  _

_ Tommy looks like giving space for one another like that is the most natural thing in the world and Adam knows he’s going to either love or hate him with fierce passion. He also takes notice of the ‘she’ which maybe should have left him with a ‘damnit straight guy,’ but instead made him feel like it is perfect. Getting a crush on an employee, no matter how innocent it would be, wouldn’t be a good idea, and knowing Tommy is straight made the possibility for that to happen so much smaller. Friends however, was perfect and it would explain the instant feeling clicking and knowing one another. _

_ Adam couldn’t fucking wait to get to know Tommy better. _

“I was so stupid wasn’t I?” Adam whispers to the sleeping Tommy. “Thinking I could get away with that. You give me the best of you; you have from the moment we met. You didn’t even blink when I asked you to go with me to an art gallery, so I wouldn’t have to face my ex alone, or to a Gaga concert with some of my friends. Actually I had a fight with Danielle that night, about you.”

_ “You’ve got to stop that Adam!” _

_ Adam didn’t feel like he had to defend his wishes about bringing Tommy to the concert or why he felt like spending so much time around Tommy, so he tried to act like he didn’t have the slightest idea what Danielle was talking about. “Stop what?”  _

_ “Developing crushes on straight boys. You’ll end up sobbing on my couch if you keep spending so much time with him.” _

_ Adam sighed, heartfelt and long. “He’s in my band. We’re going to spend an enormous amount of time together when we start touring; if we can’t hang out now what the hell do you think that’s going to be like? Besides, he’s a really cool guy and we’re friends Dani, friends. Just wait until you meet him.” _

_ Shaking her head in a hopeless way she went on, “You’ve got stars in your eyes when you talk about him, Adam. That’s not friendship, that’s a crush.” _

_ “Argh, I’m not going to justify this to you, you’ll see why. He’s not like anyone else, I swear.” _

“The funny thing about that fight? She was right and I already knew it, I just didn’t want to admit it, but then Delmy dropped you off at my place and I recognized the jealousy when she kissed you goodbye and wished you a good night.” Adam brushes a thumb along the seam of Tommy’s lips lingering on the cupid’s bow. Dreamily whispering, he continues, “But that was also the first time you kissed me hello, like the most natural thing in the world.”

_ Tommy is leaning in for a goodbye kiss before getting out of the car. Adam can’t look away from that and even less from the hand that sneaks up into Tommy’s hair, keeping him close as the kiss deepens. The small possessive gesture isn’t meant for Adam. It isn’t meant for anyone but Tommy, but it still feels much like a ‘hands off my guy’ and as Adam feels the pang of jealousy, he knows he should take that to heart. But then Tommy glides out of the car, waving at Delmy as she drives off, and turns towards Adam.  _

_ With a big happy smile plastered all over his face he walks right up to Adam and presses a quick chaste kiss to his mouth. “Hi Adam, are you ready for Gaga?” _

_ Before Adam has a chance to answer or even recover, Tommy reaches out his hand to greet Danielle. “Hi, I’m Tommy. It’s nice to finally meet you. Adam won’t shut up about how wonderful you are.” _

_ Adam brings up his fingers to touch his lips. Tommy is the first straight boy to ever kiss him hello like that, it shouldn’t make him feel this shaken but it does. Just seconds ago he was being jealous he wasn’t the one kissing Tommy and now his lips are tingling because of a light brush of lips. The moment he realizes what he’s doing he drops his hand and tries to pay attention to Danielle. He’s actually a little scared she saw his reaction because he really doesn’t want another argument with her; thankfully Danielle is caught up in the conversation with Tommy. _

_ “Oh that goes both ways, I keep hearing about the wonders of Tommy Joe.” _

_ “Well don’t believe a word of that. If you want the real deal you should have asked Delmy; if anyone knows my flaws it would be her.” _

_ In a fake mocking tone Danielle asks wide eyed, “Are you telling me you’re not a straight boy that wears make up because he likes it or a self-taught gifted musician? Or the real shocker… not really a Libra and therefore no longer the perfect match for say an Aquarius?”  _

_ She covers her mouth playfully like she wasn’t supposed to say that and Tommy laughs. “I guess there was some truth in there, I’ll let you decide what you think is real.” _

__

Tommy doesn’t move except for the rise and fall of his chest and Adam presses a soft kiss to his lips; they mold to the pressure of Adam’s and a small sound of pleasure pours from Tommy. Drawing back, Adam continues his whispering monologue. “The real wonder of you, Tommy Joe, is how you always make me want to give the best of me too. Not just to you, but you push me in ways no one ever has before. It’s like whenever I ask or sometimes even take something from you, it’s just fine with you, and somehow it makes me want to offer the same. The AMA’s was like that.”

Adam brushes a bit of hair away from Tommy’s face, letting it fan out on the pillow instead, as his mind wanders to that night. 

_ They’re stomping down the stairs heading for the dressing room. Adam reaches out and gets a hold of Tommy’s shoulder. “Listen Tommy, I’m so sorry I-” _

_ He gets a wide grin in return. “Don’t worry man, it was rad. Rock n’ roll is a prostitute and all that.” _

_ Adam shakes his head. “But I should have-” _

_ Tommy stops in his tracks, spins around and ends up with his palms on Adam’s chest, running them up and around the shoulders before surging up to smack a kiss on a cheek. “I gave you permission. Let it go.”  _

_ Adam wants to make sure he didn’t fuck things up for Tommy; he wouldn’t forgive himself for that. “But won’t Delmy-” _

_ Tommy shrugs. “If that’s all it takes babyboy then she isn’t worth it, is she? But I doubt she’ll think it’s a problem. It’s cool.” _

“And then shit hit the fan, I knew already after the first interview that I created a terrible mess. Gods I was so scared, but then you just kinda showed up at my doorstep demanding to be let in. I think that’s where I knew that you are the concept of loyalty.”

_ The insistent knocking on the door is followed by a, “Let me in Adam.” _

_ Adam groans and buries his head further into the pillow; he doesn’t want company, not even Tommy’s or should he say especially not Tommy’s, since he’s the one who got Adam’s tongue shoved down his throat. _

_ Another rapid knock on the door is a sign that Tommy isn’t leaving. “Open the fucking door before I make a goddamn scene big enough for them to forget about that kiss. Adam! I know you’re in there. I asked Lane.” _

_ Hating Lane and embarrassed out of his mind, not to mention devastated by the thought of possibly ruining the opportunity he fought so hard to get, Adam gets off the bed to open the door. _

_ The second the door is open Tommy is in the room. “About time! Come here!” _

_ Tommy launches himself onto Adam, wraps him in a tight hug and doesn’t let go for a long time. They just stand there holding on to each other. Until Adam finally says in a tiny broken voice, “I fucked up, we’ve got cancelations, it was too much.” _

_ Talking into Adam’s neck so his voice comes out all mumbled, Tommy tries to comfort him. “Yeah I heard. But fuck that Adam. You’ll show them later.”  _

_ “But what if I don’t get the chance? What if-” _

_ Tommy snorts. “What if you suck it up right now? And face them with a proud attitude? Only one person gets to be pissed about this and since he’s pretty much clinging to you now, it’s obvious he isn’t. Tell them it’s double standards or some shit. Make Lane work for her money and then worry a bit more about getting that song to sound better.” _

_ Adam pulls back, searching Tommy’s face. “What do you mean?” _

_ Tommy releases his hold on Adam but takes his hand, leading him to the bed and pushes until Adam sits down on the edge of it. “That you were nervous, that is to be expected but…..you can do so much better than you did tonight. I know, I’ve heard it hundreds of times. They already love you for that amazing voice; they’ll keep doing that if that’s where you keep your focus.” _

_ “I really sucked all the way around, didn’t I?” Adam puts his face in his palms, hiding. The mattress dips when Tommy sits down beside him. _

_ “No, but you can do better.” _

_ “Right now I’m just terrified I threw it all away.” _

_ Tommy bumps his shoulder against Adam’s, making him look up. “Hmpf,” Tommy says, and with pure conviction he continues, “Of course you didn’t. The music industry is about money and your voice? Your voice is the golden egg.” _

_ “You have too much faith in me.” _

_ Shaking his head violently Tommy says, “I have just enough. Come on, let’s get you into bed so you can face those ignorant fuckers well rested and ready tomorrow.” And then he reaches past Adam to get the bedspread off. _

_”I can’t. I can’t sleep.”_ _ Adam knows he sounds just as tired as he feels but his mind is spinning when he’s alone. Tommy seems to know that’s the case, though. _

_ “I’ll stay until you sleep, be your teddy bear.” _

_ “Tommy. It’s very sweet of you but I don’t think it’s a good idea.” _

_ “I’ll sneak out later, don’t worry so much.”  _

_ Tommy gets off the bed to haul the bedspread all the way off, and when Adam realizes he’s in the way he does the same. Tommy flips the duvet aside right away and gestures for Adam to sit down again. Adam does as told without a thought to it, his mind elsewhere occupied. “If they find out-” _

_ “Then what?” Tommy asks as he toes off his shoes and then moves on to removing his hoodie. _

_ Adam follows his every movement without really seeing them at all. “You’ll be labeled as my fuck of the night.” _

_ “I don’t care Adam.” Tommy crouches down in front of Adam and takes his hands. “I care about you.” _

_ Adam’s mind is still stuck on worst case scenario, it’s like he can’t find one single positive thing to hold on to. “Hmm and what will your folks say? If it gets into the tabloids that you stayed the night?” _

_ Tommy laughs softly, thinks for a second or two before answering. “They’ll ask me if it’s true. If I told them it was they’d deal. They’d have to wouldn’t they? But since this is all very _ _ hypothetical _ _ why are we even talking about it?” _

_ “I don’t want you to get trapped in the middle of this.” _

_ “Guess what? I already am, and I don’t give a flying fuck. I kinda love that I’m a part of it. Up!” Tommy pets Adam’s calves to make him hoist them up into bed. Once Adam is in bed Tommy crawls in there too, snuggling close with his head on Adam’s chest and an arm around his waist. _

_ “You really are a good friend,” Adam sighs, feeling somewhat relaxed for the first time in hours and he brings his arm around Tommy’s small frame. _

_ Tommy kisses him softly just under the line of his jaw. “Takes one to know one. Good night Adam.” _

_ Adam reaches out and turns off the lamp by the bed before whispering. “Night Tommy.” _

“I woke up by myself that morning, feeling utterly alone. I kinda hated you for it. You make me feel so strong, so easily, but at the same time you’re the only one that can leave me so defenseless and vulnerable. Damn I wanted you to hold my hand through it all. I know you did, very much indeed; I just wanted it to be in a different way.”

Adam is quiet for a while, listening to the rain and the soft huffs of breath coming from Tommy. He looks at the candle and back at Tommy before chasing that elusive shadow on Tommy’s cheekbone. “Hmmm. Thinking back on it, I know things took the right course but back then….”

Adam gently takes Tommy’s hand resting on the mattress between them, running his thumb over the valleys and peaks of the knuckles before entwining their fingers. For a second Tommy’s fingers tighten and squeeze Adam’s before going lax again. 

Looking at their joined hands, Adam holds his breath until he’s sure he hasn’t disturbed Tommy enough to wake him. When he feels Tommy burrowing deeper into his pillow, far into sleep, Adam continues; “I was so frustrated and the fans and their vivid imagination sure didn’t do me any good. You, on the other hand, seemed so calm and at ease with all their speculations. It still took me so long to find the nerve to talk to you about it. I was so scared you’d say ‘yes I hate it, can you knock it off?’ because it was the only way for me to legally steal those touches I craved so much. I think it took me at least a month, maybe even two before I finally found a safe opening and even then it was still you that started it.”

_ “Oh my God, look at this!” _

_ Tommy sounds overly amused and his eyes sparkle with laughter as he turns his laptop around right at the edge of the table and shows Adam the reason. On the screen is a poorly shopped picture of him licking Tommy’s neck. It’s so tacky and so fucking close to what Adam wants, that he gasps. “Oh. Um.”  _

_ Adam has no idea how to get his mouth to function and actually form words, but it doesn’t matter because Tommy inches closer to him so they can look at the screen together. Like it’s the biggest mystery on earth he says. “They’re really getting a kick out of this aren’t they?” _

_ The heat from Tommy’s body seeps through their clothes and mingles with Adam’s and it relaxes him as much as it makes his body hum with sexual tension. Used to that by now and to the fact Tommy never seems to notice, Adam tries to open a conversation he’s been meaning to have for a long time but been too much of a chicken to actually have. “Yeah I guess. Does it bother you? I mean…” _

_ Tommy whips his head around and glares at Adam like he offended him just by asking that. “No! If anything I’m flattered.” _

_ Adam is flabbergasted, thinking he’ll never learn to understand the man beside him. “Why?” _

_ Tommy bumps their shoulders together and the offended expression is replaced with playfulness. “Aww come on Adam. A beautiful man like you, having a ‘crush’ on me! I totally scored.” _

_ “You, Ratliff are no ordinary straight guy.” _

_ Tommy leans back on the couch and slides down a bit, looking like a cat that got the cream. “Thank God, I have no intentions of being that.” _

_ Adam pushes the laptop further onto the table, making sure it’s safe before he shifts his body so he can look at Tommy. “No but seriously? You don’t think it’s a bit weird?” _

_ Tommy sucks in his lower lip, keeps it between his teeth while he thinks of how to answer, totally unaware of what that does to Adam. “Maybe, but weird in the sense that I’m apparently in a relationship or at least fucking someone that I’m not! And that’s weird because people seems to think they know me, or you for that matter. I would think it was just as odd if they paired me up with Mia.” _

_ Because that’s where his mind is and because he knows it’ll crack Tommy up he says, “You do realize you wouldn’t be fucking someone, right?” _

_ Adam is far from disappointed when Tommy swats at him grinning. “You’re such a toppy fucker.” _

_ “I am.” _

_ They grow still for a minute and Adam takes a deep breath, thinking it’s now or never and mans up to ask. “Tommy?” _

_ “Hmm.” _

_ Adam feels Tommy’s gaze on him but he doesn’t return it. “Do you wanna deny it? I mean we could both tell them that it’s all in their heads. Join forces and conquer!” _

_ Tommy snorts softly and the sound makes Adam look at Tommy. “Pretty sure they all heard you the fifty thousand times you’ve told them I’m straight. Let them think what they want Adam. You, or I for that matter, don’t owe anyone any explanations. What we do in our life belongs to us, not to the rest of the world. They can have all that happens on stage…but behind closed doors? Why let them get that much power? And I’m not just talking about the fans but the press, too…. I guess it’s a matter of privacy.” _

_ Letting out a huff of air, relieved about the answer as much as the fact that Tommy takes this conversation seriously, Adam goes on to one of the more painful questions. “What does your girlfriend say?” _

_ Tommy makes a little dismissive shrug. “What girlfriend?” _

_ Adam fixes Tommy with a hard stare. “Tommy? Is there something you haven’t told me about?” _

_ “Didn’t I tell you? Huh.” _

_ “Do not play innocent with me, it won’t work.” _

_ Adam gets the distinct feeling that he’s being avoided when Tommy reaches for his coffee cup, focusing on that as he blows the steam away. “It’s okay Adam, it wasn’t a big deal anyway,” Tommy says and sips the coffee, still not meeting Adam’s gaze. _

_ Adam’s stomach twists because he’s pretty sure that wasn’t the truth. “But why? I mean why didn’t it work?” _

_ Tommy leans back again and peeks above the mug in Adam’s direction before cradling the mug between his hands. “Just didn’t see things the same way I guess. Don’t worry about it Adam.” _

_ “Did all this have anything to do with it?” Adam flaps a hand between them and the computer. _

_ “Does it really matter? It’s over and done with.” Tommy sighs and puts the mug back on the table. _

_ “Of course it matters! I need you to tell me why. Now.” _

_ “I don’t wanna.”  _

_ Tommy crosses his arms across his chest and pouts. Normally that pout would get him anywhere with Adam, but Adam can’t shake the feeling that he’s responsible for the breakup and he wants to fix things if he can. A happy Tommy makes a happy Adam, period. “Well too bad, because you’re going to, Tommy. So spill it.” _

_ The look of defeat is clear and Tommy sighs. “She didn’t like the leaning and… you know the stage gay stuff.”  _

_ He looks like he wants to start apologizing but Adam so doesn’t want to hear that. “Oh my God, why didn’t you talk to me about it, we didn’t have to do that.” _

_ Something flares in Tommy’s eyes, something hot and passionate and he turns so that he’s facing Adam. “If I thought you were the problem I would have. You weren’t though. She was!” _

_ Puzzled about the change in Tommy, Adam asks, “Oh. What do you mean?” _

_ “That what happens on stage is for the stage! As my girlfriend she should trust that, right?” _

_ Adam nods in agreement but has no idea where this is going. Frustrated, Tommy runs his hand through his hair and then waves it around. Adam wants to grab it and hold it still because it always distracts him when Tommy does that, and he’s pretty sure that whatever comes out of Tommy’s mouth next is important. _

_ “It’s all good and fun and if I said you could do whatever, then I meant it and it’s my decision to make. She argued it was about trust but in reality it had much more to do with the fact that she didn’t want the world to think I was gay or bi or whatever.” _

_ “Exactly, Tommy. You could just have told me-” _

_ “No!” Tommy looks away and sighs. When he returns his gaze to Adam he also puts his hands on Adam’s knee, squeezing lightly before he goes on. “It’s not about you, it’s about her! So let’s say for arguments sake I happened to be gay or bi. Should that make her look at me differently?” _

_ “As your girlfriend? But of course!” _

_ “If I was gay, yeah I can get behind that but bi?! No! Because I had chosen to be with her.” Shaking his head Tommy says, “But let’s wait with the definition on the relationship; let’s say as another human being.” _

_ “Why?” _

_ Another squeeze. “Humor me.” _

_ “Okay then. No.” _

_ “Good!” Tommy looks so pleased with Adam’s answer it automatically makes Adam put his hands over Tommy’s, and he has to fight the butterflies in his tummy when Tommy links them together with an act so simple as putting his thumbs over Adam’s.  _

_ In a soft tone Tommy continues his explanation. “Because that was what it was about and I don’t want to be with someone that thinks that way, ever. And just for the record being bi still meant that I had chosen to be with her and what happened on stage…”  _

_ Tommy’s voice drifts off and he looks expectedly at him, so Adam says, “Stayed on stage?” _

_ “Yeah. But she didn’t even consider that. So we were too far from one another to really make a good fit, you know?” _

_ He gets that, he understands that Tommy’s sense of fairness was somehow violated and that he couldn’t be with someone who didn’t see eye to eye with him on such subjects. This is just one of the reasons Adam is going from having an innocent crush on him to slowly falling in love. “Yeah… I just... I want you to be happy.” _

_ Rolling his eyes Tommy says, “I am! I’m with you, having the time of my life and living my dream. Couldn’t be happier.” _

_ Wondering if it’s that simple, Adam asks, “You mean that, right?” _

_ Tommy grins and his face softens in a way that makes Adam’s heart race. “I can’t lie to save my life. Yeah I’m telling you the truth. You’re stuck with me! Deal with it.” The last part is said into the crock of Adam’s neck and with Tommy’s strong arms around his neck in a fierce hug. _

_ Laughing and with a light heart Adam mockingly responds with, “Oh well, it’s a tough job but someone’s gotta do it, so if no one else wants you, I’ll take you off their hands.”  _

_ Adam sighs dramatically and Tommy pulls back, playfully looking properly hurt. “Hey! I’m wanted.” _

_ “Obviously.” _

_ “Asshole.” _

_ Grinning, Adam pulls Tommy back in his arms, squeezing him tight. “Whatever! You love me.” _

_ “I do not,” Tommy says and snuggles a bit closer. _

“I don’t know if you know it, but that day changed something for me; I guess that’s where I realized I was slowly but surely falling in love with you.”

Tommy smiles lovingly in his sleep and Adam stares at his face, briefly wondering if these small confessions resonate with him somehow.It’s a nice thought and it keeps Adam talking. “Danielle told me I was insane, hell even Sutan told me I was playing with fire. And all I could think about was getting one kiss, just one real kiss. There is a lot to be said about being obsessed and it took me forever to get that one kiss but look at you, so beautiful and peaceful next to me. I’d like to think that kiss has something to do with that.”

 

_ “Seriously?” Tommy asks, looking adorably doubtful at the pick-up-line Sutan just told him was a sure win. _

_ The club is loud and the beat heavy, but it matches their mood after being on stage; it always takes a while for all of them to get down and eventually crash after giving their best up there. Adam scans the room and finds the bar easily, dragging the rest with him as he hears Sutan answer Tommy. “Yes.” _

_ “Everybody’s got a phrase that works for them,” Adam throws over his shoulder and wonders what Tommy’s is. _

_ Tommy’s laughing, “I don’t.” makes him spin around and give Tommy a quizzical look. _

_ “Then what do you do?” _

_ Looking like it’s the best kept secret in the world; Tommy tilts his head and says, “If I’m telling you then you gotta tell me yours. Deal?” _

_ Adam wiggles his eyebrows and says in a suggestive and provocative voice, “I’ll show you mine if you’ll show me yours.” _

_ Tommy throws his head back laughing but when he sobers he says, “Bullshit!” _

_ Adam just looks at him, loving that he’s one of the few people that can make Tommy waver and doubt something as ridiculous as that if he just keeps his gaze captured. So that’s what he does, and he keeps his gaze blank. It doesn’t take long until he can see Tommy’s beginning doubt. “Seriously? That works?” _

_ Sutan gigglesnorts and says to Tommy, “Oh my God girl, you’ve had Adam grinding that infamous cock of his against your ass on stage, you know that line could work.” _

_ Tommy shrugs. “Touché.” Adam can’t quite deny the good feeling that single word coming from Tommy gives him. _

_ “So?” Adam demands. _

_ “Really? Okay. It’s more like a thing of mine…” Looking like he really thinks this is the dumbest conversation ever he says with a frown, “I guess I just look shy and yet flirty enough to make them interested.” _

_ Adam nods, he believes that. “But no opening line that seems to get her to stay when you open your mouth? Not that that sweet valley accent isn’t doing the job.” _

_ Tommy snickers and swats at Adam’s arm playfully. “It’s all about the eyes baby, eyes.” _

_ “Show me?” Adam knows he’s stupid for wanting Tommy to say ‘okay babyboy let me try that on you’ but damn, that’s exactly what he hopes for, and the disappointment is palpable when Tommy agrees but doesn’t look at Adam. “Hmmm okay.”  _

_ Tommy looks around and smiles when his eyes meet the gaze of a pretty little brunette. Adam watches him hold her gaze and smile that shy yet oh so fucking flirty smile before looking away and turning his back on her. With a wink he asks Adam what he wants to drink and goes for the bar. _

_ “So now what?” Adam asks when they’ve got their drinks in their hands. _

_ Smirking, Tommy replies, “Just be patient.” _

_ Sighing like he can’t wait for the night to end, Adam whines to Sutan, “I think we need to set a time limit to this.” _

_ Sutan shakes his head. “No need Adam. She’s coming this way. Looking very determined.” _

_ Tommy snickers again, and Adam wants to wipe that smirk off his face so badly his fingers are itching with it.  _

_ “Hi.” A tiny body gets between Tommy’s body and Adam’s, and Adam knows she has to be almost pressing her body against Tommy’s, because they were standing pretty close before and her body has no contact with his own. He grinds his teeth together and tries to chase the jealousy away. _

_ “Oh wow, would you look at this girl,” Tommy says as he’s holding Adam’s gaze, challenging. He sounds like he has never seen anything quite this beautiful before and he looks at the woman and says, “Hello.” _

_ “Buy me one of those?” she asks and Adam steps back, almost colliding with Sutan. _

_ “Sure,” Tommy answers. _

_ It actually doesn’t take long before the woman is leaning in and Tommy is kissing her. Adam can’t decide if he wants to stomp off or stay and watch. So he does the latter and while he waits for them to come up for air, it dawns on him that Tommy totally had a line and it wasn’t just about the eyes, it was about the smile and maybe even knowing which woman to pick because she sure seemed aggressive. Adam wonders if the woman may have been to the concert, if Tommy maybe recognized her, not that it counts as cheating or anything, but still. _

_ Determined to get to the bottom of this, Adam puts a hand on Tommy’s shoulder, making Tommy turn his head up to meet his gaze. Adam leans in and whispers into his ear, “You had a line and you know it, now I dare you to try that eye fucking thing on the least likely person in the room, and make it work.” _

_ Tommy’s body tenses and then shivers. His hand drops from the girl’s jaw, and clearly he’s forgotten all about her when he turns with a heated look in his eyes and says, “Really now?” _

_ Nodding slowly and keeping their gazes locked Adam says, “Yup.” _

_ Playing along, Tommy pushes the issue. “If this is a dare then there is a prize too, you know, for when I win.” Tommy sounds so damn cocky and sure of himself that Adam almost backs down. _

_ But Adam has an idea and he wants a damn kiss from Tommy, a real kiss, not a flicker of a tongue or a quick lick inside his mouth on stage, so he only thinks about it for a second before he raises his eyebrow and says, “You can have my bed when we get back on the bus… for two whole nights.” _

_ Tommy’s eyes widen. “And if I lose?” _

_ “You’re giving me two of those famous backrubs of yours you’re always spoiling everyone else with.” _

_ Tommy offers his hand and says, “Deal.” Adam takes it and they shake on it. Then Tommy leans in and says conspiratorially, “You do realize you just had to ask like everyone else, right?” _

_ Adam almost retorts with an ‘I’d let you sleep in my bed too if you’d ask’ but he stops himself right before it rolls off his tongue. Instead he sticks it out at Tommy, who grins. _

_ Looking out at the crowd Tommy says, “I guess you get to choose the girl?” _

_ “Not a girl! Me.” _

_ Tommy eyes flicker back at Adam, something fragile or vulnerable flashing in them, but it’s gone faster than Adam can name it.  _

_ “You?” Tommy asks, barely audible over the music.  _

_ “I’m the best test person ever.” _

_ Tommy throws a look at Sutan. “Why not him?” _

_ “Oh come on,” Adam says and puts a finger under Tommy’s chin, forcing him to look him in the eye. “One bat with your lashes and he’d be at your feet, that doesn’t prove a thing. Me? Yeah, I would make you work for it. That way if you win it’ll be deserved.” Adam knows he’s got Tommy right where he wants him; there is no chance he’s backing down from this challenge. _

_ “You’re on babyboy!” _

_ Smirking, Adam steps back, releasing Tommy. “Bring it.” _

_ And Tommy does, he flirts shamelessly, bringing Adam to a painful edge and keeping him there, torturing him the sweetest way with sultry looks and other more subtle but oh so effective moves like licking his lips after taking a sip of his straw or letting his thigh brush along Adam’s when he moves forward to set the drink down. The way he melts into Adam’s body every time they touch. It’s way too easy to think Tommy wants this just as much as Adam does, so it takes everything Adam’s got not to cave in the first 5 minutes. _

_ He wanted this, to be the center of Tommy’s attention, and he wants the damn kiss so much he can taste it, but even if it’s just pretend, a dare, then this game feels too good to end too soon and he knows he just has to lean in to get the kiss. Tommy won’t back down; he’s too competitive and way too keen on sleeping in Adam’s bed to do that. _

_ “You’re playing a dangerous game babe,” Sutan whispers in his ear on the way to the dance floor. _

_ “Shut up and let me have this,” Adam throws back. _

_ With a look of something that resembles pity, Sutan says, “Just be careful.” _

_ Adam sends Sutan a glare that could freeze hell over and Sutan tsk’s. “Just know that when you’re crying your heart out because of the straight guy, I’ll probably say ‘I told you so’ before wiping your tears gently away!” _

_ “It won’t come to that.” _

_ Sutan makes a little move that says he doesn’t believe a word of that and slinks off to dance with Sasha. _

_ Somehow during the night, and completely because Adam can’t resists the way Tommy wraps him around his little finger, they end up in the corner of a booth, soft cushions underneath them. They’re both tipsy but nowhere near drunk, and Adam’s enjoying the way Tommy is snuggling close and looking up at him with a look that screams seduction, way too much.  _

_ Adam can’t, or won’t, wait any longer to feel those soft wet lips. With a low curse he catches Tommy’s gaze before returning it to his lips, and just as Adam leans down Tommy surges up and finally they’re kissing. _

_ Adam forces himself to savor the kiss, and so he kisses Tommy slow and searching and Tommy lets him set the pace. The way they’re situated is almost unbearable because it’s hard to get the right angle and Adam doesn’t want to stop, doesn’t want it to end. _

_ Tommy solves that by putting a hand on Adam’s chest and pushing him back while he himself follows Adam’s movement, and before Adam realizes it Tommy is on his lap, straddling him, and they haven’t broken the kiss once. _

_ Adam licks the seam of Tommy’s lips begging for permission to deepen the kiss, and with a soft moan he opens to Adam. Soft, slow and wet slides of tongues mingle, discover and make it all so fucking good that Adam’s sure he’ll die if he never gets to be kissed like this again. Then Tommy sucks on his tongue and his right hand ends up on Adam’s throat, thumb right under his jawline, angling Adam to make it perfect. And it is! It’s so fucking perfect that Adam has to concentrate on not letting his hands wander and explore like his mouth does. To keep them from doing that he brings them up in Tommy’s hair, and when he does he draws the most sinful sound from Tommy.  _

_ Enough is enough and Adam ends the kiss panting hard, feeling like the earth just shattered under him. He doesn’t know if he should laugh or cry when Tommy rests his head on his shoulder and giggles into his neck. “I’m sleeping in your bed. God I’m gonna sprawl all over that thing.” _

_ Adam’s hand is still in Tommy’s hair and he can’t help but to play with the soft strands, thinking about the sound it coaxed from him mere minutes ago. “I can’t believe I caved.” _

_ Tommy lifts his head and looks at Adam; his eyes dart down to Adam’s mouth and he licks his own lips before saying, “Aww wasn’t I worth it? I was so sure you enjoyed it.” _

_ There is no denying that, Adam has got the proof aching in his pants and with Tommy straddling him like this there is not much he can do to hide that. “I did, you’re a great kisser. But still… bunk!” _

_ “Bunk?” _

_ “Yeah, with you sprawling in my bed that pretty much leaves me with your bunk.” _

_ Tommy sounds like that would be like committing high treason or something. “I’m not kicking you out of your bed! We’ve slept together before I wasn’t… you can stay.” _

_ Adam wants that but at the same time Sutan’s voice rings clear in his mind. There is such a thing as playing with fire. He mock warns Tommy, “Careful Tommy! After kissing me like that I could assume you wanted more.” _

_ Tommy plays along and offers Adam an innocent look. “Oh you mean I can bring a girl? ‘Coz I’ve got an itch after that kiss.” _

_ Adam forces his eyes to stay on Tommy’s and not steal a peek to see for himself if that’s the truth and snorts. “No, that’s not what I meant.” _

_ “Pity! The bed would certainly be big enough for it. Oh well, I guess I’ll have to settle for cuddles then, but if you can’t handle cuddling me then I **am** kicking you out of it… all that delicious body heat can’t be wasted in the same bed I’m sleeping in.” _

_ “Cuddles?” Adam knows he sounds wary. He wants it, oh he does; he’s just not sure Tommy really does or if he’s just teasing. _

_ “Cuddles!” Tommy says in a stern voice and as if it makes everything better he offers, “And I might throw in a backrub if you hold me all night.” _

_ Adam swallows and considers it, he wants this almost as bad as the kiss and even more than the fuck, because that’s not even up for debate, so he tries to tone down his excitement . “Yeah? I like that deal. How the hell did you manage to make us both win on a dare?” _

_ Giggling, Tommy replies, “I’m sneaky like that.” _

_ “I’ll say.” _

“That was one of the best nights in my life baby. I got to hold you close, get lost in your scent and the feel of you, and then waking up to you half across my body. That is one of life’s greatest gifts. You belong there, it’s like you’re sculptured to match me, to touch me.”

Adam brings their joined hands up to his lips and presses soft kisses to each knuckle. 

“Even when you’re furious at me I just want to be close to you and I know you feel the same. Remember Vegas, baby? You were so pissed and all you really wanted was for me to hold you. And I had been the stupidest, dumbest ass, so worried about not stepping over your boundaries that I hurt you. It still hurts, you know? That I didn’t know how to handle it. When I wrote Broken Open I really thought I knew, and always would know, how to deal with a friend falling apart. Maybe it was because it was far from friendship I was feeling, maybe it was because I was too invested. Anyway…”

_ The door slams behind Tommy and he hisses low and dangerous, “What the hell was that?” with barely controlled anger flaming in his eyes. _

_ “Sorry?” _

_ “The dry humping my ass! And the ‘isn’t he pretty?’! What the hell is your game Adam?” _

_ It’s the first time ever Adam has seen Tommy angry and even though Adam has a pretty good idea of what this is all about and that he’s pretty sure this has nothing to do with the stage antics-that by the way weren’t much different than any other night- he’s still a little fascinated with this side of Tommy. Maybe if he pushes his buttons just a little more, Tommy might let him get to the root of said problem. “That was humping your ass, doesn’t take much explaining does it? And you didn’t seem to mind. And you are pretty, no scratch that, you’re gorgeous. Beautiful even. Besides, it’s nothing we haven’t done before baby.” _

_ “Don’t mock me!” Tommy raises his voice and paces the floor, sending Adam small angry glares, like he’s scared if he looks at Adam too long, he won’t be able to control what is boiling inside him. “Why did you do that?” _

_ “I don’t know,” Adam shrugs. “It felt right and you said I could. Whatever. Why are you upset about this?” _

_ Throwing his hands in the air and eyes fixed on a spot behind Adam, Tommy yells, “Because you confuse me! I get so many mixed signals from you that I don’t know what to believe. And things are…well, you know…bad… and I need to at least know where I have you, because today it just felt like you were cockblocking me.” _

_ “What?” Adam drags the word out in a high pitched tone. “Why would I cockblock you?” _

_ “I don’t know, if I knew that I wouldn’t stand here yelling at you.” He isn’t really yelling anymore, though he’s far from calm either. _

_ Knowing that Tommy is finally getting to the point where a real conversation is possible, Adam takes one careful step closer to him and says softly, “Maybe you should stop it then and just tell me what the hell is going on in that pretty head of yours.” _

_ Tommy isn’t done yet, though. But he doesn’t move away from Adam either. “I feel like shouting, I’m angry for fucks sake. I feel like I’m a God damn toy you take out and play with until you get tired of me and end up tossing me into a forgotten corner; but the second a new kid shows interest you just have to claim ownership, and you don’t fucking share, do ya’?” _

_ Adam swallows, he fucked up and he only just realized how bad. He’d hurt Tommy and that was the last thing he wanted. The morning after that mindblowing kiss at the club and the waking up in each other’s arms had been over way too soon when Lane had popped her head in and asked Tommy to call his mother. Half an hour later Tommy had told them all that his dad was sick, dying actually and nothing could be done. And Adam had decided to give Tommy all the space he needed, backing off completely. Not in ways of talking, they did plenty of that but no more inappropriate touches. Tommy had enough on his mind as it was. But now Tommy is thinking this is about something entirely else and that means Adam fucked up even worse. _

_ “Tommy?” Adam’s voice is tiny, regretful. _

_ With his back to Adam, staring out the window, shoulders so tense Adam’s own almost hurt from it, he says in a too restrained, too cold tone, “The last time something like this happened was the night we made out in that club. I had the perfect opportunity for some action but oh no, you throw in a dare and made me work like I’ve never had to work for a fucking kiss before.” _

_ Tommy turns around and pins Adam to the floor with a hard stare. “And it was good… or at least I thought it was, but then you go all cold on me. For the last month the only physical interactions you and I’ve had is on stage or if I’m practically begging for a hug. But today? Today I get my fucking hair tousled, my shoulders rubbed and several hugs without asking for any and you amp it up on stage too. Humping my fucking ass, not that I’m complaining about that, but if it’s not about you thinking I’m hooking up with Delmy again, then what the hell is it?” _

_ “Delmy’s here?” Adam had no idea and he sure didn’t like the sound of it either, had he known he might actually have tried to get in the way of that, but as for now it came as a complete shock. The jealousy burns hot, fast and devastating and makes his stomach feel like it’s burning with acid. _

_ Tommy’s voice carries a lot of distrust but there is also something off there, like he’s a bit hurt. “You didn’t know?” he looks away and so quietly that Adam knows the words aren’t meant for him, that Tommy is doing that thing where he think out loud without realizing he’s doing it, he says. “So you’re not cockblocking. It’s really about me then. Fuck.” _

_ Adam isn’t sure what that means though, and chooses to answer the question he knows was for him. “No. Are you guys?” _

_ Tommy whips his head up and with large eyes he hurries the words out. “No of course not. No, she talked to Lisa and when she found out about Dad being sick she decided to come see how I was doing… Guess she didn’t quite believe me when we talked on the phone and I said I was fine.” _

_ “She’s right you know,” Adam says matter of factly. _

_ “What?” _

_ “You’re not okay, and it’s quite understandable you’re scared, and I’ve been so afraid to push you over the edge that I’ve been walking on egg shells. I didn’t know what to do and apparently I did all the wrong things. I’m sorry Tommy. I just figured you had enough on your mind to…” He wants to say ‘deal with me too’ but he knows Tommy will be pissed again if he does, so instead he moves on to what made him toss all caution out the window and just do what felt right. “But then you practically purred today when I touched you and I just kinda thought to hell with it and did what felt right.” _

_ Sounding more and more like the normal laid back Tommy, he asks with a raised eyebrow, “Humping my ass on stage felt right to you?” _

_ Adam can’t help it, he grins. “It’s a nice ass.” When Tommy tosses a glance over his shoulder and down his back, shrugging; Adam reaches out to grab his hand and pull him back to focus on the more serious stuff. When their eyes meet Adam gets out what’s been eating at him for a long time. “No, but seriously Tommy, after that kiss and you getting the news about your dad being sick later that day… I just… thought you might need space from me.” _

_ “Why?” Tommy tilts his head and looks at Adam with a speculative gaze. “Why would I need that? You’re my best friend. Damnit Adam you know I’m like you, touchy-feely. I need you to ground me. My mind is a fucking mess and you avoid me? It was just a kiss for fucks sake!” _

_ For a second there is something looking much like denial playing in Tommy’s eyes and Adam is split between thinking he imagined it and hoping it didn’t flash there because Tommy didn’t want to think about the kiss, but no matter what, Adam is sort of desperate to know now that they’re talking about it. “I-- You can’t tell me that kiss didn’t make you feel anything because I was there Tommy. And you just said it was a good kiss.” _

_ Nodding in agreement to Adam’s last statement, Tommy asks, “What do you want me to say? That it turned me on? I have no problem in admitting that but we didn’t do anything, we slept in your bed, snuggled close and that was good too. Why make this into something it isn’t?” _

_ Adam’s heavy sigh echoes in the room. “Because I’m gay and maybe I thought that my straight, though very laid back straight friend, getting turned on by kissing his gay best friend would be enough for him to freak out, and I thought that with the news of your dad and all you just needed space. From me.” _

_ “Well it didn’t freak me out, I would never have accepted your dare if it would have. I fucking know myself, give me some credit. And just so you know. I’ve felt like climbing the God damn walls, going nuts because you kept shying away from me… and because I’m scared like hell.” _

_ Adam feels like he’s too far away from Tommy to have this conversation, and as if they have some kind of secret cue they both move toward each other until they’re standing in a warm embrace. Holding on tightly, Adam murmurs, “I know you are baby, and I wish I could tell you that things are going to be fine.” _

_ Tommy finishes the sentence quietly. “But you can’t, I know. You can however cuddle me and make me feel a bit more… like I’m safe, loved.” _

_ Adam presses a kiss to Tommy’s temple. “Yeah I can do that. I’m sorry.” _

_ Tommy gigglesnorts and Adam pulls away enough to gain eye contact. “What?”  _

_ Grinning, Tommy asks, “You sorry enough to kiss me again? That kiss was kinda mindblowing, I bet not one thought of Dad would get through if you kissed me like that again.” _

_ Trapped with the urge to do just that and the need to keep his own fucking heart from breaking, Adam says in a reprimanding tone, “Don’t lead the gay guy on baby, that’s not nice.” _

_ Tommy lets out a sigh and breaks their gaze. He snuggles into Adam’s arms again and Adam isn’t sure if the words mumbled against his chest really are, “What if I’m not leading you on?” or if he just really wants them to be. _

“I’m still sorry for putting you through it, but also I think that maybe it was for the best. Maybe we would have rushed into this too soon, too unprepared, too immature, if that terrible thing with your dad hadn’t happened. My grandmother used to say: “there’s nothing so bad that it’s not good for something else.” No matter how insensitive that sounds, there is some truth to that. But it doesn’t make things easier when you’re knee high in deep shit.”

Adam lets go of Tommy’s hand and scoots a bit closer, needing to feel the heat coming from him, to feel connected. The moment Adam settles, Tommy moves closer, fitting his small figure perfectly into Adam’s and making Adam sigh contently. “That night you got the message that he had passed away. That was one of the most difficult nights in my life. Your pain almost killed me.”

_ Adam is pulled out of his sleep because of a timid little knock on the door as a softly spoken “Adam?” travels through to him. He’s immediately wide awake knowing only one person would do that and only for one reason. Fuck. _

_ He hauls on his pajama pants and hurries across the floor. Opening the door, his gaze meets Tommy’s and the pain Adam sees paralyzes him for a minute; he’s so not ready for this kind of pain and least of all from Tommy, it tears Adam’s heart apart. _

_ Blinking hard and with a broken voice, Tommy asks, “Can I…come…” when his voice deserts him Adam jolts into motion, flinging the door open and pulling Tommy into his arms. “Fuck,” Adam says into Tommy’s hair and a shudder ripples through Tommy. _

_ “Yeah,” he says and then after what feels like an eternity he adds, “Lisa called, he’s gone.” _

_ Adam doesn’t know what to say other than “I’m sorry,” so he just holds him close, hoping it’ll tell Tommy what he needs to know. For a long while they just stand there rocking back and forth in a comforting monotone motion. Tommy is the first to break the silence. “I have to go home, I’m sorry Adam, I know-” _

_ “Shhh. Don’t you dare to worry about that. None of your concern,” Adam murmurs and guides them closer to the bed without easing up on the hug. _

_ “But..” _

_ “Shhh.” Somehow Adam manages to get Tommy to sit down on the bed and then he pulls back gently. “Just stay here, I’ll make a quick call and make sure your travel arrangements get taken care of and then I’ll be back.” _

_ Tommy nods slowly, lost in his own headspace. “Yeah, okay.” _

_ “Get under the duvet baby; you’re not going back to your room tonight.” Another nod and with a numb face Tommy strips his clothes until he’s in a t-shirt and briefs. Adam stays, watching until Tommy is in bed curled up in a ball, arms around himself. With an aching heart, Adam calls Lane and asks her to do what needs to be done. _

_ Minutes later he crawls onto the mattress and under the duvet. Tommy doesn’t move, doesn’t even look at Adam, and that’s when Adam sees the tears, silently falling. He feels his own eyes water and blinks the wetness away; without words he folds himself around Tommy and holds him tight, just letting him know he’s there. Breathing. _

_ At some point Tommy’s tension leaves a little bit and he turns to look at Adam. His eyes are red from crying and tears are stuck in his long lashes. Adam wipes them away with a soft caress and let his fingers linger on Tommy’s face. _

_ Licking his lip before biting down on it, Tommy brings his own hand up mirroring Adam’s touch. He runs his fingertips over Adam’s cheek bones, forehead and lips. Adam sees his intention, feels it in his body that responds so fucking willingly to Tommy’s. When Tommy inches closer, eyes focused on Adam’s lips Adam puts a hand on his chest. “Tommy. No,” he whispers right before their lips touch. Tommy jerks his head back, the hurt caused by the rejection evident in his eyes. _

_ “I just… I need… I need…” he says as he tries to get out of the bed, out of Adam’s arms. Adam doesn’t let him, with his entire body he keeps Tommy close, keeps their gazes locked. “I know, but it’ll screw things up because this isn’t really what you want, and you need a friend much more than a distraction.” _

_ “I’m sorry Adam, I shouldn’t have…” _

_ Adam runs a hand through Tommy’s hair, soothing. Trying to do exactly what Tommy asked him to a couple of days earlier, grounding him. “Don’t be. Tell me about him instead. Tell me what you loved the most about him or the things he did that pissed you off. Anything, just don’t shut me out.” _

_ “I wasn’t.” Tommy’s voice is tiny, broken, hurt and Adam fights his own tears.  _

_ He feels every little bit of Tommy’s pain and he wants nothing more than to take it from Tommy, to make his heart lighter again. “Yeah you were, but it’s okay. I’ll make out with you any other day.” _

_ That makes a tentative smile tug at the corner of Tommy’s lips, and slowly words start spilling from him, gently nudged by soft caring questions from Adam. _

Thinking back on that night, Adam rakes his fingers through the soft strands of Tommy’s hair, the exact same way as he did that night. “None of us got any sleep that night, but up to that point that was by far the most intimate night we’d spent together and I got to know your dad a little even though it was through your memories. You were so loved and your dad made sure you knew it.”

Adam lies silent and thoughtful for a minute, just relishing in the feeling of Tommy’s body against his own.

“I don’t know what happened when you were home, but you came back faster than any of us had ever anticipated and you were dead set on giving everything you had. We were all so worried about you! Especially when it became pretty obvious that you very deliberately avoided time alone with me. Neil of all people told me to corner you and **make** you talk. Every time I tried to do that you just told me you had it covered. I don’t think I’ve ever been that hurt before.”

_ Adam’s heart is pounding in his chest; he never once thought he would have to manipulate Tommy to make him talk to him. “Tommy? Can we talk? Please.” _

_ Tommy looks at Adam with a haunted expression in his eyes before they flicker across the living area in the bus, and the defeat is evident when he realizes they are alone. He huffs out a sigh. “Sure. What’s on your mind?” _

_ Adam eyes the spot on the couch next to Tommy. “Can I?” _

_ Tommy nods and moves a little, so they won’t touch and gestures for Adam to sit down. Adam screams silently in his head at Tommy; he wants to hug him, to hold him close and to share his pain, but ever since Tommy came back he’s shied away from Adam’s touch and most of the time he’ll even excuse himself the moment Adam enters the room.  _

_ “How are you?” Adam deliberately keeps his voice soft and low, he doesn’t want to give Tommy any kind of excuse to leave. He wants to reconnect, that’s all. _

_ Tommy glances at him before wrapping his arms around his legs and putting his chin on his knees. “I’m alright,” he says, but he doesn’t look at Adam, he’s staring at the carpet instead. _

_ Afraid to move closer, to comfort Tommy the way he really wants to, Adam stays put and murmurs, “I don’t believe that. You just lost your dad.” _

_ “Yeah. But you don’t need to worry, I’m dealing.” Tommy sounds defiant, and Adam can’t help but to think he’s trying to convince himself as much as he’s trying to convince Adam of it. _

_ “I’m here baby, whenever you need me. I’m right here.” _

_ Tommy worries his lip, catches it between his teeth so hard Adam knows it’s gonna leave a bruise. _

_ “Yeah,” Tommy begins, “listen, it’s not- um, I think it might be wise of me not to…” He stops his stuttering attempt to speak and hides his head between his arms. His voice is muffled when he decides to speak again. “Shit! First, I’m sorry for that night. You know when my…” his voice trails off, the embarrassment and hurt he tries to cover up breaks Adam’s heart. _

_ “Don’t say that. I’m glad you let me be there for you. I wish you’d let me be here for you now as well.” _

_ “Yeah about that… I think I need to back off for a while, you know.” _

_ Adam wishes Tommy would look up. “Oh.You mean on stage, that’s okay we can-” _

_ “No, I mean this, you and me; I don’t care about the stage antics.” _

_ Tommy sounds dead tired and for the first time Adam feels like this could be the end of them, so his voice trembles and he’s unable to hold his terror back when he says, “You don’t… you don’t want me to be your friend?” _

_ Tommy whips his head up, stares at Adam and he sounds down right upset. “Of course I do, but I don’t want you to think I’m crawling into your bed because I need a friend, I got Mike for that.” _

_ “Oh. Okay.” Adam says, clueless to what Tommy means. _

_ “No actually it’s not okay, but it’s the way it has to be because I can’t lose you as well, and that’s why I can’t keep running back to you.” _

_ Adam is utterly confused. “I feel like we’re talking in code here and I don’t have the key for yours.” _

_ Tommy sighs. “Yeah we do that a lot and that’s why we’d fuck things up if I can’t deal on my own.” _

_ “Mike is helping with that?” Adam asks, because he needs to get at least that one cleared out of the way. _

_ “He knows me, we talk.” Tommy shrugs. His gaze is locked at the carpet again and Adam misses the connection immediately. _

_ “About everything?” _

_ “Uh huh.” _

_ Adam knows he’s about to push it but he needs to know that there is at least one person Tommy can talk to if he won’t talk to him. “So if you’re really sad you can actually pour your heart out to him?” _

_ A quick glare is sent Adam’s way and harshly Tommy says, “You make it sound like because he’s a straight guy we can’t share our feelings. I’ve known him all my life, even if I wanted to keep a secret from him I wouldn’t be able to.” _

_ “Okay. If you say so.”  _

_ Adam can’t hold the doubt out of his voice and Tommy looks at him pleading. “Adam? Please.” _

_ “Fine! It’s just…You confuse me. I thought you said you needed my hugs, us being close like this, to ground you.” He knows he sounds like a spoiled kid that just got denied his favorite candy, but damn it this rejection hurts. _

_ “I did… I do… but you seem to think it’s for all the wrong reasons and I can’t-- we can’t be more cuddly together than we are with the rest of the group.” _

_ “Is that what you need?” _

_ “Yeah I need a little bit of distance.” _

_ Adam sighs; he knows by now he’ll do just about anything for Tommy, even if it kills him to do it. “I know you probably won’t understand this but can I get Mike’s number?”  _

_ “Why?” _

_ “If you don’t feel comfortable talking to me. Then I need to know that I can get a hold of someone you do feel comfortable around. Just in case.” _

_ “The hamster jumps off the wheel and takes off??” Tommy snorts but nods thoughtfully. _

_ “Yeah. And please, Tommy, if you change your mind? I’ll be here to cuddle the fuck out of you and listen to whatever you feel like saying. I do love you, you know?! And that’s what friends are for.” _

_ “And therein lies the problem,” Tommy says quietly. _

“I didn’t understand why it could ever be a problem that I loved you. I didn’t even think further than that. I think maybe it was because I was so jealous. Of Mike because he had your complete trust, and got to be there for you. I hated when your phone rang and you begged off to go talk to him in private and then come back, looking like you’d been crying. I even hated that Sasha and Brooke got all your cuddles. Sometimes I got really angry with you, but then we’d be on stage and you’d be your usual self, flirty and sexy and let me near you like nothing ever happened.”

Adam looks at the candle, it’s halfway burned down but it flickers softly, and the cozy light from it combined with the feeling of the man in his arms makes the memory less painful. A bump in the road and a road that led to this place, this bed and a night gazing at the person he knows, fucking knows he’s meant to spend the rest of his life with. He’s just got to figure out how to tell him that.

“I know it was just a matter of days before I couldn’t do it anymore and I had to… I don’t know… reconnect with you somehow, and the only place you’d let me near you was the stage so…” 

Adam is silent for a minute, thinking back on that night. “Remember Providence? Oh man, your face when I said you liked girls. It should really have told me something it didn’t though. But when I kissed you… Tommy, you melted against me in a way you’ve never done before. That did it for me. Well, that’s not entirely true, seeing it on YouTube was actually the thing that made me realize that maybe, maybe you weren’t acting, but the scared and insecure devil on my shoulder kept telling me I was wrong. Thank fuck I chose to listen to the angel on the other shoulder instead and asked you. Though, I did my share of circling the hot topic before getting to it.”

_ “What?” Tommy asks, looking at Adam expectantly. When Adam doesn’t answer but raises a brow in question instead, Tommy sighs. “You’re lingering, that means you wanna talk but are too much of a chicken to just lay it on me. So?” _

_ Adam chuckles out a little nervous laughter. “I’m that transparent?” He desperately wishes for a way to approach the subject he has on his mind without outing himself, so he keeps fiddling with his water bottle, screwing the stopper off and on in a way too telling motion. _

_ “Uh huh.” Tommy pets the couch, silently telling Adam to sit down and get it out. Sometimes Adam wonders if they’re better at the nonverbal communication than when they’re actually using words. This is one of those times, and Adam’s mind is spinning. _

_ Tommy bumps his shoulder against Adam’s when he stays silent, urging him to start speaking. “You know how the fans sometimes link us things?” Adam starts with a side glance to Tommy. _

_ Tommy nods and raises an eyebrow mockingly. “Yeah? Did they link you porn or something?” _

_ “Um… in some parts of the world it probably would qualify as porn, yeah.” _

_ Tommy’s eyes light up and laughter and suspicion battle for dominance in his voice. “Really?” he says. _

_ “Tonight’s introductions are up on YouTube and the usual speculation is blowing up twitter as we speak.” _

_ Even though Adam isn’t looking at Tommy, he knows without a doubt the exact moment when Tommy realizes he’s talking about their shared kiss. Tommy makes a tiny sound that Adam hopes his brain is correct about when it files it in the category ‘happy’, but he think it is when Tommy sounds mellow and dreamy. “It was a hot kiss.” _

_ Adam hates himself a little for being a coward and taking the safe road when he tries to get Tommy to answer a question Adam isn’t really asking. “Yeah and you’re a really kick ass actor.” _

_ “I’m not, though. Can’t act for shit.”  _

_ There is a sad pang in Tommy’s voice and it makes Adam frown. “The ‘oh my God you didn’t just say that’ face you put on and then the knee buckle? I’d say you’re a great actor.” _

_ Tommy snorts. “Keep telling yourself that. Whatever makes you happy Adam, but I’m sure if you ask any other person they’d tell you I’m transparent and glasslike.” _

_ Adam’s head is all over the place. This could sound like Tommy was saying the exact thing Adam had hoped he would, but a long history of being infatuated with boys out of reach makes Adam doubt and second guess his own instincts to a fault.“Are you telling me I make you weak in the knees?” he asks skeptically. _

_ “Obviously,” Tommy answers and rolls his eyes. _

_ “But you’re straight?” _

_ Tommy shifts his weight, turning around just a little and looking at Adam with an open and somewhat tired expression. “You’re the one that keeps saying that, but Adam when did we ever talk about that?” _

_ “I don’t know?” Adam responds in a tiny voice, he tries to remember when they had such a conversation but he can’t. _

_ “‘Cos we didn’t ever have that talk. You assumed because I had a girlfriend and guess what Adam, maybe you were wrong. It doesn’t matter, though.” _

_ “Why?” Adam asks quickly, and when Tommy sends him a quizzical look Adam says, “I mean why doesn’t it matter?” _

_ Tommy’s eyes darken and Adam sees pain in them, he’s sure of it. Tommy looks like he lost something precious. “We would fuck things up. You’re still convinced of my so called straightness and I need to convince you I don’t end up in your bed because I need to take my mind off things. But most importantly because you’re the one person I’ll never be able to casually fuck around with. You’re too important and I’m far too invested.” _

_ Adam has no idea what to say, how to feel. The most present thought is that Tommy isn’t all that straight, that there might be a possibility for them, that Tommy isn’t as unattainable as he thought. The next is that Tommy at the same time has put up a full stop sign because he’s too invested. A million thoughts run through Adam’s head and he can’t seem to focus on one long enough to complete it and move on. “Wow… Wow. Tommy…” Adam’s voice trails off. _

_ “Yeah,” Tommy says and Adam thinks that he looks just as lost as the night his father died. _

_ “So what now?” _

_ “I have no idea, Adam.” _

_ “I’m sorry… I’m a little blown away. I mean you’re available, and hard as that might be to wrap my head around it’s even harder to understand that bad timing is actually cockblocking the both of us.” _

_ “I’m sorry.” _

_ “Why? You’re not to blame for anything. And I hate to say it but starting anything now would be really stupid. I mean, I’m too invested too. To just do the friends with benefits thing and you need time to get back on your feet again.” _

_ Tommy looks at Adam as if he’s about to throw in the white towel or something, shaking his head. “Not exactly. I need you, Adam. I love you and I need you to stay in my life and I need you to truly understand that at some point. And until you do, we need some kind of boundaries.” _

_ Adam feels like the secret code talk is in game again and it’s starting to really annoy him. “Boundaries? You wanna keep avoiding me as you’ve been doing ever since you came back from your dad’s funeral? Is that it?” Adam tries to hold the disappointment and pain of that thought out of his voice but he must have failed because Tommy covers his hand with one of his own and squeezes it lightly. _

_ “No, just-- no more make out sessions. Stuff like that.” _

_ “So cuddles and hugs are fine?” Adam prays Tommy will agree to that. He needs to be able to be himself around Tommy. _

_ “Yeah, those are fine.”  _

_ Adam lets out a relieved sigh and puts an arm around Tommy’s shoulder and pulls him into a sideway hug, Tommy follows easy and pliant. _

“I was so convinced you needed time to grieve, that you needed a friend much more than a lover. In reality it was more about my own insecurities. I was terrified to believe you, that you really wanted me, to realize you needed both. I almost succeeded in pushing you away, remember?”

_ Kind of lost in his own world, Adam dances to the loud music with a pretty twink grinding against him. The last couple of weeks had been all kinds of torture. And this is the fucking cure. It’s nothing but moving to the beat. It’s simple. _

_ Adam lets his mind wander. He can’t figure out if he wants to kill Tommy half the time or drag him off to the nearest room and make sweet love to the man. They are both tiptoeing around one another, sending meaningful glances and small intimate smiles each other’s way but at the same time they never get any closer to a solution to the attraction. To their feelings. _

_ The air has been vibrating with sexual tension for weeks now and one night Sutan had looked at them and sighed heavily, rolling his eyes as he left the room with a “You two! Please just do it and get it over with.” The sweet blush that heated Tommy’s cheeks had almost killed Adam, but somehow it also forced Adam to spend much time alone overthinking every little word and expression between them. He believes Tommy when he says he wants to be with him, but he’s still not convinced it isn’t the comfort of a friend Tommy is really seeking. Tommy has always been a touchy feely person and Adam thinks it’s more about default mode than anything else. So when Tommy is pushing a little, Adam is backing away, convinced that Tommy needs a friend more than anything. _

_ Adam is dragged back to reality when the twink’s hand wanders south and brushes over Adam’s crotch suggestively. Adam acts out of pure instinct, his body so tight with sexual tension that any hand that isn’t his own will be fucking welcome, and pushes into the touch. The twink palms Adam with just enough pressure to make it good. _

_ That’s when Adam feels it, the heavy weight of a stare. A familiar pair of brown eyes shining with resentment and anger meet Adam’s across the club before Tommy spins around and pushes through the crowd and disappears. _

_ “Fuck,” Adam mutters under his breath. His heart is beating hard and frantically in his chest and for all the wrong reasons. Tommy had looked seriously pissed and Adam had no doubt the anger was very much his doing. _

_ “Yes please,” the twink says huskily. _

_ Busy with freeing himself from the twink, Adam apologizes. “I’m sorry. I need to go.” _

_ “Now? It was just getting interesting.” _

_ “I’m sorry.” Adam determinedly heads in the direction he saw Tommy seconds ago, but he only finds Neil. _

_ “Did you see where Tommy went?” Adam searches the room, rising up on his toes to get the extra benefit of his height. _

_ Neil frowns and looks at Adam demandingly. “What the hell happened? He practically ran out the door!” _

_ There is no way Adam’s going to tell Neil anything, Tommy being in a bad mood is enough to juggle. He’s not willingly taking heat from Neil as well, and knowing his brother, Neil will side with Tommy in a heartbeat. “Do you know if he went back to the hotel?” he asks instead, still looking for any signs of Tommy. _

_ Neil, the bastard, who fucking knew all along, nods. “Yeah he did, but judging by the look on his face I’ll bet it’s safe to say he doesn’t want your company. He’ll probably just call Mike if he needs to talk to someone.” _

_ “Yeah well, he doesn’t get to decide that,” Adam says and turns for the exit. He’s finding Tommy right now and he’s gonna right whatever wrong he did. Adam is sick and tired of the way they keep avoiding to actually talk the way they used to.  _

_ Neil obviously knows Adam well enough to know what’s going on inside his head because he grabs Adam’s arm and says sternly, “Adam. If he needs to be alone then back off.” _

_ “This has nothing to do with his dad. It was about me. I think I hurt him. Again! And I’m not sure why.”  _

_ Adam starts to walk off and Neil tightens his hold on Adam, stopping him effectively. At the same moment another hand reaches for Adam’s other arm. “Adam. Please wait,” the twink he was dancing with says pleadingly. _

_ Neil’s face turns hard and any sign of empathy is long gone when he stares at the other guy’s hand on Adam’s arm. “Oh no, you didn’t!” _

_ Adam doesn’t answer; he raises a daring eyebrow at Neil before he turns to the man in question and brushes him firmly but politely off. When Adam looks at Neil again, Neil looks like he used to do when they were teenagers and he couldn’t believe how incredibly stupid he thought Adam was. The mocking tone is the same as well. “Are you deliberately trying to ruin the best relationship you ever had?” _

_ Frustrated, Adam runs a hand through his hair, he feels like he’s wasting precious time. “I don’t fucking have one! We’re not together,” he hisses. It hurts to say, he never wanted a relationship more than this one, but there always seems to be things in the way, his and Tommy’s.  _

_ “Sure you are, you just haven’t realized it yet,” Neil says, matter of factly, and Adam kind of wants to punch him in the face.  _

_ “Damnit Neil! For the last time we’re not fucking around. We’re friends!” _

_ “Only because you’re as dumb as they get.” _

_ Adam has had it, his patience has run out and he tries to leave, but Neil hasn’t let go of his arm yet. “Let go of me!” Adam says harshly. _

_ Neil doesn’t falter though. “Promise you won’t make it worse than it already is.” _

_ Adam snorts and pulls his arm to himself, using more force than necessary; he’s got nothing to say to Neil so he hurries back to the hotel, hoping he’ll be able to get Tommy talking. _

__

_ When he reaches the door to Tommy’s room he knocks, hard. “Tommy!” It’s a demand. He wants to get inside and he fucking will. _

_ “Not now Adam,” is growled back and Adam can hear Tommy move around, the sound of a slammed cupboard door tells the fact that he’s still beyond pissed. Tommy is not really the slamming doors type, he’s more the ‘I’ll pout and be moody till I get my way’ type. And he can work it like no one else. _

_ Adam tries to reason with him. “Please open the door.” _

_ “Go away Adam.” _

_ “I just… I wanna talk to you.” Adam puts both palms on the door and rests his forehead against it. _

_ “Yeah, well, I don’t particularly feel like talking to you.” _

_ Adam takes a step back and stares at the door; he wonders how they’re ever going to get back to that awesome thing they used to have before that damn night, if he can’t even get Tommy to open the door so they can talk things out. He feels hope abandoning him and that’s when he realizes he doesn’t need Tommy to open the door for him, he’s still got the envelope with all the keycards that Lane asked him to hold onto a couple of hours ago. He pulls out the envelope and goes through the plastic cards until he finds the one with a matching number to the room Tommy’s in. _

_ For a brief moment he thinks about the ethics but then he slides the card through the reader and the light turns green. Adam opens the door quietly and enters the room.  _

_ It doesn’t take Tommy long to feel Adam’s presence in the room and a mixture of disbelief and fury colors his expression. “Oh fuck you! You didn’t just do that! What the hell is wrong with you?” _

_ Adam inhales deeply and closes the door silently. “Do you want to tell me what that the hell pissed you off like that?”  _

_ “Oh. My. God. You’re not that stupid are you? Jealousy is a pretty simple thing. That guy was all over you, groping everything within his reach and you’re asking me why I left? He had his hand on your fucking cock for Christ’s sake! Why the hell would I stick around to see that?” _

_ Tommy’s eyes are burning with emotions and the force Adam recognizes scares him a little. “Baby I thought we agreed that you and I weren’t a possibility, that we would keep this- us! a friendship.” _

_ “Do **not** call me baby right now and **no**! We didn’t! **You** said I needed time, well guess what?! I don’t! I fucking know what I want. **I** said you needed time to get your head out of your ass to see that I fucking want  _ _ to be with you!” _

_ Trying to be calm and not let the fierce passion Tommy puts in his anger ignite a similar one in himself; Adam keeps his voice low and gentle. “You also said you needed me and that we would fuck things up if we tried anything. You set up the boundaries, Tommy.” _

_ “Because you don’t believe that I’m in to you! And yet I’m not the one fucking around, am I?!!” Tommy slows down and pulls in a few deep breaths, Adam sees how the passion he put in the argument is dissipating and leaving him all together before he continues. “I think it’s pretty clear who’s not in to whom.” He says in a defeated tone of voice. _

_ “Seriously Tommy?” It hurts to hear Tommy say stuff like that. Adam knows he’s been pulling away, trying to do the right thing. He wonders if he’ll ever be able to stop hurting Tommy with all his good intentions. _

_ Adam takes a few steps closer but Tommy turns his back on him and with his hands curled into tight fists he speaks quietly, the heartbreak evident in both his posture and his tone. “Gods I’m so fucking stupid! Here I was giving you time to realize what’s right in front of you, I’ve been throwing myself at you, shamelessly even, for a long time, Adam. I guess it’s time for me to just get over you and get on with my life, huh?” _

_ “Baby!” Adam says. He can’t take it anymore, he doesn’t know if it’s the right thing to do or if it’ll ruin everything, but he needs Tommy to know, really know how much he wants him, wants everything he can get from him. He reaches out and turns Tommy around, pushes him against the wall. Tommy looks at Adam wide eyed and a protest forms on his lips “Do not- Hmpf.” Adam swallows Tommy’s protest with a forceful kiss. It takes a second before Tommy responds but then it’s all teeth and tongue, hands roaming and clothes being pulled at impatiently in search of skin to explore. And it’s so fucking good Adam thinks he might be dying from feeling too much, too fast.  _

_ Frantically, Adam spreads kisses along Tommy’s jaw and Tommy whimpers. “If you don’t follow through this time, Adam I swear I’m going to kill you.” _

_ “I will baby. You have no idea how long I’ve wanted this,” Adam murmurs and pushes a thigh between Tommy’s. Tommy responds immediately and the friction his small thrusts create is fucking perfect, Tommy is **hard** and his erection is rubbing deliciously against Adam’s thigh and his own against Tommy’s hip.  _

_ Tommy pulls Adam in for another kiss; it quickly turns sloppy and messy and ends in them licking shallowly into each other’s mouths, sharing the hot air between them as they pant hard and brokenly, holding on to each other tightly. _

_ Tommy’s head falls back against the wall and with a cry his body tightens and trembles and Adam’s own orgasm hits him unexpectedly and hard.  _

_ “Wow. I haven’t done that since I was a teenager.” Tommy grins and swats at Adam. “And if you tell me now that that was it and you’re sorry and it’s never going to happen again then I don’t know what the hell I’m gonna do to you. But it won’t be pretty.” _

_ Adam holds back his concern and nuzzles Tommy’s neck instead, breathing in his scent. When Adam doesn’t answer, wariness sneaks into Tommy voice. “Adam?” _

_ Adam pulls back and catches Tommy’s gaze. “I’ll never be sorry this happened, Tommy. But I still think we need to take things slow, really slow, so we won’t mess it up.” _

_ Tommy practically beams. “I can do slow, up until now I’d pretty much say we’ve been moving at a snail’s pace. But as long as we’re moving forward I’m good.” _

_ “Me too.” _

Adam runs his hand up and down Tommy’s side without even thinking about it. It’s just a need to touch and it’s so deep it isn’t even conscious any more. Tommy smiles in his sleep, nuzzling Adam’s collarbone with his nose.

“We had The Night that night, didn’t we? You know, that night where you’re just finding out all your feelings are returned and you just can’t stop talking, touching… kissing. I remember us lying cuddled up in your bed; you sprawled across my body, almost the same as you are now looking up at me with those big brown eyes asking…”

_ “So we’re dating now?” Tommy sounds unsure and wondering. Much like he’s caught between being scared and hoping.  _

_ “Yeah, if that’s what you want,” Adam says and plays with Tommy’s hair, twirling it around a finger. “I’m still not sure I know exactly what you want from me.” _

_ Tommy looks up at Adam. From where he’s lying, on Adam’s chest, and up through his lashes, his gaze looks a bit challenging, yet vulnerable. “You want me to say what I want?” _

_ Adam kisses Tommy’s forehead softly. “I want us to stop **not** making sense. So yes, I want you to spell it out to me.” _

_ The hand that was resting on Adam’s chest next to Tommy’s chin is moved up and grabs Adam by the neck. The touch is soft, loving, Tommy looks determined and his tone is firm. “I want to try this, to date you and I want it to be just us. No more twinks. I want to see if you and me. If we’re the real deal! Because I think we could be.” _

_ “Just us? Exclusively?” The second the words leave Adam’s mouth, he knows it was the wrong thing to say because suddenly Tommy looks guarded and the hand on Adam’s neck begins to slide away. “You don’t--” _

_ “Yes! That would mean you were mine, too.” Adam says quickly and tightens the hold on Tommy. _

_ The tension leaves Tommy immediately. “I am. Have been for quite some time Adam, you just didn’t want to see it.” There’s no trace of blame in Tommy’s voice and his gaze is soft when it meets Adam’s. _

_ Adam doesn’t want to dwell on or regret lost time, he wants to focus on now, but at the same time he feels like Tommy needs to know how special he thinks this thing they have between them is. “I was scared of ruining something perfect. What we have,” Adam smiles down at Tommy affectionately and lets a finger run down Tommy’s nose. “it doesn’t happen often you know?” _

_ Tommy scrunches his nose and mock bites after Adam’s finger when it leaves his skin. “I know, I’m scared too. How about we promise each other that no matter what we stay friends?!” _

_ “Yeah,” Adam whispers, eyes locked on Tommy’s lips. For a while they stay like that, silently watching one another. “I can’t believe you’re here, in my arms like this, as my boyfriend,” Adam says, tasting how the word rolls off his tongue. Fascinated, he watches the smile that spreads on Tommy’s face when he says those words. _

_ “Delmy was right, you know?” _

_ “Delmy?” Adam didn’t ever expect that name to crawl into this conversation and he doesn’t quite know what to make of it. _

_ “Yeah, when she said that maybe it wasn’t exactly cheating, but it was pretty damn close, when we both wanted it. She was jealous and she had every right to be. I mean she didn’t know about me… but I guess she didn’t need to be told.” Tommy snorts out a giggle. “I told you I’m a bad actor.” _

_ “I don’t know about that. You had me fooled. I kept doing all the wrong things because I didn’t know how to read you. And I honestly thought it was embarrassment that made you shy away from me when you came back from seeing your family.” _

_ Tommy breaks the eye contact and returns to snuggling on Adam’s chest. He draws slow patterns on Adam’s torso, following hidden lines only he can see. “It partly was, though,” he starts. “I was ashamed because I tried to use you in a completely inappropriate way, it didn’t matter the feelings were there, it was still wrong. But more than anything it was about being rejected.” He pauses thoughtfully, long enough for Adam to start worrying if he’ll continue. Adam draws in a breath and Tommy’s gaze flickers up, telling Adam he isn’t done and then skitters away again. “I was giving up on making you realize I really wasn’t all that straight, and when I was home I had this long conversation about us, with Mike, and I was such a mess because of it. I came to the conclusion that I needed space to come to terms with the fact you didn’t want to be anything but my friend.”  _

_ Tommy’s hand stops moving and he looks up at Adam. He looks honest and completely open and without really moving he manages to get closer. Adam feels like he’s drowning in those brown eyes, in the power Tommy hands over so easily and in the trust and closeness that floats between them. It’s hard to believe that hours earlier they were fighting and hurt was the dominating emotion in the room. Tommy captures his lip with his teeth for a second before he goes on. “When I came back here I… it was so fucking hard not to fall into our pattern and just let you own me again. I had to keep fleeing from you. And when I talked to Mike on the phone he would ask about how I was, how things were with you, man I can’t count the times I lost it and just cried my eyes out.” _

_ Adam’s chest feels tight, he doesn’t want to be the cause of Tommy’s tears, he never wanted that. “You were crying over me?” he asks softly. _

_ Tommy frowns. “Yeah. Well, you, Dad, Mom, Lisa… all of it. Life is a bitch and then you die, or at least that’s how my life has felt like for the last couple of weeks.” _

_ “Oh baby. I wanted to be there for you, so bad. I didn’t know what to do and when I didn’t want to wrap you up in a warm embrace then I wanted to kick your ass for being stubborn and pushing me away. I was so sure you needed a friend, and **just** a friend. I was so scared of messing up, so when I thought of dragging your tiny ass into my bed, I kinda got angry with myself and then with you, because you messed with my head like that.” _

_ Tommy listens intensively, he’s nothing but focus and when Adam says the last part mischievousness sparks in his eyes and he pushes up on his knees and straddles Adam’s hips. “You wanna drag my ass into bed?” he asks right before he dips down to kiss Adam. It’s just a light brush of lips but it still makes Adam’s body hum with anticipation.  _

_ “You have no idea how much I wanna do just that.” _

_ “Oh I think I got a pretty good idea.” Tommy moves on to kissing Adam’s jaw and neck. “So?” he asks between those slow, soft caresses of lips and tongue that Adam thinks borders on torture when they just made each other a promise to take things slowly. Adam feels like he should be the responsible one, before Tommy takes this further. “What happened to taking it slow?” _

_ Tommy’s head drops to Adam’s collarbone and a groan follows. Adam laughs softly which pulls a satisfied sound from Tommy. “I love your laughter, the sound…” he runs a palm over Adam’s chest. “And the feeling of it.” _

_ “Hmm.” Adam hums. _

_ “Oh, are we telling people?” Tommy asks and sits up again. The heat from his ass against Adam’s crotch is beyond distracting. “You mean the band or?” _

_ “I dunno?” Tommy says. _

_ Reaching up to brush Tommy’s hair away so he can see him properly Adam asks, “Why don’t we just keep it between us for now?” _

_ Instantly Tommy’s eyes darken and Adam says, “Oh no, don’t-- if you want to tell them we can do that! I just-- I’m trying to protect you here, I’m not trying to hide anything.” _

_ “From our friends and family?” Tommy doesn’t sound angry, but he does sound like he doesn’t quite believe Adam. _

_ “From the world,” Adam explains. “I just…we can tell the world when we knows this will work?” _

_ Tommy smiles softly and nods once before he cradles Adam’s face with his hands. “It will, though, as long as we both want it to.” _

_ Adam keeps Tommy’s eyes locked in his when and says sternly. “Slow Tommy. I don’t want things to back fire on you.” _

_ “You do realize I’m not really as young and innocent as I look, right?!” Tommy playfully bats his lashes at Adam. _

_ “Hmm.” _

_ “They’ll know anyway.” It’s a statement and Tommy looks like he’d love for Adam to try to deny it. _

_ “Who?” Adam asks instead of taking the bait. _

_ “Everyone. They already think we’re together.” _

_ Tommy looks smug and Adam knows it’ll bring fuel to his fire when he says. “Yeah, Neil actually said it to me today.” _

_ Grinning, Tommy asks, “What?” _

_ Adam huffs out a sigh. It’s more for the mocking effect of it than because he knows Tommy’s right. “That I was about to ruin the best relationship I ever had been in.” _

_ That confession earns him a wide and sincere smile. “Really?” _

_ Adam nods. “I reminded him we weren’t fucking around and he flat out told me that purely was because I was stupid.” _

_ Tommy sucks in his lower lip, worries it for a while, his gaze locked on Adam’s. Then he caresses Adam’s face with calloused thumbs and says lovingly, “We were both stupid. Stupid and scared, we gotta be better at that whole communication thing.” _

_ “Yeah. But we’re sorta good at the non-verbal conversations, though.” _

_ “Like this?” Tommy asks and leans down to fuse their lips together. Adam’s eyes flutter shut and he’s not even surprised at the whimper coming from his own mouth when h _ _ e parts his lips and lets Tommy in, lets him take control over the kiss, feeling his tongue delve in his mouth, tasting him. The sound makes Tommy deepen the kiss further and Adam kisses back with everything he’s got. _

_ “Exactly like that,” Adam pants out when the kiss ends. _

“We got so many things out of the way that night. And you were right, even though we didn’t say it out loud then, the band knew right away. I blame you and your cuddliness for that, though.” Adam’s words carries warmth and love. Lots and lots of love. His fingers follow the patterns of Tommy’s ink. Feathery light and unconsciously teasing until Tommy moves, puts a leg over Adam’s thigh, getting closer and Adam feels the heat from Tommy when he moves his hips restlessly against Adam’s hip. 

A smirk finds its way to Adam’s face and his caresses grows a little bolder but he keeps talking softly to Tommy. “The only thing we promised and failed to keep was the taking things slow. I’m not complaining, not at all. The last three months have been amazing. It seems like this, us, has been the easiest thing in the world. I guess we already knew each other so well and it eased the road once we got on the track but it doesn’t mean there weren’t any insecurities. Sometimes I worry. But last night pretty much made it all go away.”

_ “You’re awful quiet.” Tommy squeezes Adam’s knees lightly, urging him to tell what is on his mind. When Adam doesn’t comply right away Tommy turns a little bit in the car seat “What’s wrong honey?” _

_ “Nothing. It’s…” Adam pauses trying to find the words to explain the nervousness strumming through him. Failing miserably he shots Tommy a quick glance. “Nothing.” _

_ Tommy does a little head shake and laces his fingers with Adam’s before saying in the most loving and patient tone of voice, “They’re not gonna bite you. Relax, you’ve already met them all before.” _

_ Adam huffs out a sigh. “Yeah but that was as your boss, friend. Now…” _

_ “You’re the one putting lovestruck smiles on my face and shit.” A mild laughter follows Tommy’s words and Adam echoes it. “Yeah.” _

_ “Mom’s opinion of you hasn’t changed Adam. She wants me to be happy and as long as you’re making me that she-- you’re welcome there.” Tommy assures him. _

_ Turning on the turn signal before driving up to the curve of Dia’s house Adam tries to fight off the looming feeling of not being what Dia wants for her son. “I wish I could explain this to you. I feel a bit like a teenager. I guess it’s because it’s the first time you’re bringing home a boy.” _

_ Adam waits for Tommy’s answer but it doesn’t come before the car comes to a stop. “She’s happy for us. Please believe that.”  _

_ Adam nods and closes his eyes, mentally preparing himself for spending the day with Tommy’s family. Warm fingers turn his head a little and soft lips caress his lovingly, and he opens his eyes to meet Tommy’s, who whispers, “Come on, you can do this.”  _

_ Getting out of the car they immediately get greeted by Dia’s excited voice. “Tommy!” She pulls her son into what seems like a bone crushing hug which Adam quite frankly is impressed by, considering the woman’s tiny frame. “Mom.” Tommy’s happy laughter only seems to keep him in the hug longer and Adam can’t help the huge smile breaking on his face. Dia releases her hold on Tommy and in a fond tone she pulls Adam in for a hug as well. “Adam, it’s good to see you again.” _

_ Some of the nervousness dissipates and Adam hugs her back with the same dedication. “Hi Dia.” _

_ The entire first hour spent in casa Ratliff, Adam still has that damn nervous energy floating around in him and he very much appreciates that Tommy stays by his side the whole time. It also helps a great deal that Tommy isn’t holding anything back, he’s his own cuddly self and no one seems to pay extra attention to that. The conversation is free and easy and Adam can feel himself loosen up and start enjoying the chatter around him. _

_ At some point Tommy’s cousin shows up, bringing three kids in age from four to eight and they whisk Tommy away immediately, leaving Adam with a glass of red wine and the joy of watching Tommy play pirates with them in his old tree house in the back of the garden. _

_ Lost in his own thoughts he doesn’t hear Dia before she is standing right behind his chair and her proud voice surprises him. “Look at him. Such a natural, I remember Ron being so awkward around kids right up to the day he got his own. Where Tommy gets it from I don’t know. He’s always been like that and it doesn’t matter if it’s an infant, toddler or a teenager, he instinctively knows how to be around them.” _

_ Because he’s just realized the same thing, along with the fact that because of their relationship Tommy might never have kids of his own; Adam looks up at her and stutters. “I … I’m sorry.” _

_ Dia tilts her head a little and looks at him quizzically, searching in the exact same way as Tommy would do. “For what Adam?” _

_ “For the possibility of ruining his chance of becoming a father… and you a grandmother.” _

_ Dia smiles and puts a tiny hand on his shoulder. “Don’t worry about that, I’ve got a beautiful daughter, too. You’re that serious about him?” _

_ Adam swallows and nods before telling Dia something he hasn’t even told Tommy yet, at least not in those words. “I love him.” _

_ “Oh I never doubted that Adam. I just didn’t realize-- Does he know?” _

_ “Know what?” _

_ Dia grabs a chair and put it next to Adam’s, looking at Tommy. “That you love him enough to spend the rest of your life with him. That is what we’re talking about here isn’t it?” _

_ “Um, yeah.” Sipping his wine he tries to buy himself some time, because Dia is so very direct, and because he feels she needs him to tell the truth as much as he needs to tell it. “I think that maybe he does, yeah. We’ve never talked about it, though. With actual words, I mean, more than agreeing we both want it to work, that we’re serious about each other. The weird thing is that often we communicate much better non-verbally but I’m sure he knows I love him. He knows I love him.” _

_ Rolling her eyes Dia scolds Adam fondly. “Boys! That doesn’t mean he doesn’t need to hear the words. Don’t you?” _

_ She hit the head on the nail there, Adam knows that. “Yeah.” _

_ “So what’s holding you back?” _

_ “Things like this, seeing him play pirates with his cousin’s kids, knowing that I might be the one that ruins that option for him. I don’t want him to ever feel like he’s missing out on something. The thought of not being enough for him, is pretty damn scary.” _

_ Dia looks at Adam and with a soft smile she puts him straight. “He wouldn’t be with you if you’re not what he wants. Love him back and you’re enough Adam, and truth be told I don’t think I’ve seen him this in love in years. But I think I understand. You’re scared that at some point he’s going to regret it and blame you.” _

_ Adam twirls the last of his wine in the glass thoughtfully before drinking it. “Yeah something like that. It’s just-- I’ve known since I was a teenager that limitations followed in the wake of being gay. Kids and marriage being some of them. This is all so new to him and I’m concerned that he jumped in, head first, without really thinking this through. That one day he’s going to wake up thinking ‘what the hell did I get myself into?’” _

_ Loud squeals and laughter coming from the tree house makes the both of them look, and a minute goes by where they just sit and watch Tommy losing his fight with the pirates. Dia breaks the silence. “I hate to be the one to tell you this but I don’t think you’re the first man he’s ever been with, and I don’t think he walked into this blinded by love. He’s always been one to follow his heart, yes. Look at his choice of school, his determination towards making music his career and so on, and granted, he can be very passionate about things but he’s also very rational and he’s a smart boy.”  _

_ The smart boy makes his escape from the tree house sword/stick fighting backwards down the ladder, growling “I’ll never surrender,” even as he helps the four year old down. Adam can’t keep his eyes from him, though he listens carefully to Dia when she goes on. “There are no promises on how tomorrow looks but-- Adam you’re,”  _

_ Adam tears his gaze from Tommy and looks at Dia, who locks their gazes “I knew the first time he spent an entire meal yapping about you that you touched something in his heart, something he’d closed off and put a lock on years before he met you.” _

_ That actually makes Adam blush, but when he tries to redirect his eyes Dia keeps him there with her next words. “I’d say you have every reason to trust in him, his love. I’m not saying I knew that he was falling in love with you, back then. But I know my son, at times I know him better than he knows himself, and I wasn’t one damn bit surprised when he came home to Ron’s funeral, confessing his feelings for you.” _

_ Adam blinks, stunned. “He told you at--” _

_ Dia shakes her head. “No, but that same day late at night. I think it was important for him, when you lose a loved one you kind of learn how important it is to live your life while you have it and yeah… He told me.” _

_ “Wow I didn’t know that. I thought Mike was the only one he told.” _

_ Dia laughs. “He tells Mike everything.” _

_ “Apparently his mom too,” Adam adds. _

_ “From what I hear you can’t really complain about telling mom’s, can you?” Dia teases before a more serious tone enters her voice. “I hate to admit it but sometimes when Tommy talks about Leila I get a little bit jealous. It’s so clear that he loves her and that the feeling is mutual. And she gets to spend so much time with you two.” _

_ Adam nods, letting her know he understands. “Mom adores him. Neil does- oomphh” Adam somehow manages to throw his arms around Tommy fast enough to catch him and hold on to him when he lands on his lap out of nowhere. _

_ “Oh my God, help me. They’re killing me,” Tommy laughs into the crook of Adam’s neck. Three wild pirates stands ready to attack the second their favorite playmate gives up on his sanctuary.  _

_ Lisa who has won the kitchen duty, mostly because she loves it, calls out from behind them. “That’s enough kids, all pirates need to go wash up, you too Tommy. Dinner is served.” Adam laughs when Tommy does his best pout and leads the way to the bathroom.  _

_ Going inside, Adam puts an arm around Dia’s shoulder and thanks her quietly. _

 

_ Later that evening when the house has become quiet and the crickets dominate the sounds coming from the garden and Adam has Tommy cuddled against his side, Lisa looks at her brother with a secretive smile. “What?” Tommy demands and pokes her thigh with a foot. _

_ Lisa sends her husband a ‘can I?’ look and gets a nod. She returns her attention to Tommy again. “We’ve decided it’s time to make an uncle out of you.” _

_ Later Adam will swear only dogs could hear the noise Tommy made, so freaking high pitched is it. “Really?? Christ Lisa, that’s so fucking awesome.” A second later Adam is without Tommy who has moved to put a hand on Lisa’s stomach. “Are you?” he asks in obvious wonder. _

_ Adam shoots Dia a worried look but she just shakes her head, silently telling him not to freak out, to have faith in Tommy. Adam answers with a tiny smile. _

_ “No silly! Not yet.” Tommy moves his hand away with a disappointed look on his face and Lisa explains. “I just wanted to tell you now, face to face instead of calling you or texting you while you’re somewhere on the road and possibly giving you a heart attack. Now you’ll expect it and the poor people living on the bus with you won’t suffer the same hearing loss we just did when we can tell you the good news.” _

_ “Oh they will!” Tommy assures her. “I’m so happy for you. I was starting to wonder if wonderboy over there knew what or how to do.” Adam groans and Lisa’s husband laughs and flips Tommy off. Looking back and forth between Lisa and Adam Tommy says. “Damn I’m gonna spoil that kid so much you have no idea.” _

_ “Oh I think I do,” comes flatly from Lisa which makes them all laugh. _

__

_ On their way back to Adam’s house Adam can’t hold it back any longer. “I need to ask you something.” _

_ Warily Tommy asks, “Why don’t I like the sound of that?” _

_ Adam won’t meet Tommy’s searching gaze, eyes on the road ahead he starts what he hopes will evolve to an actual question at some point. “Seeing you today…with the kids. How you are with them, how they respond to you,” Adam pauses for more than a second this time and with a knowing tone Tommy says “Oh. I see.” _

_ “Um?” Adam sneaks a quizzically look a t Tommy, who looks very open and a little bit vulnerable. _

_ Clearing it up for Adam Tommy explains. “I do want kids someday and preferably before I’m too old to really enjoy them.” _

_ “Yeah?” Adam suspects that he wasn’t able not to sound as guarded as he feels. _

_ Tommy proves him right because the carefully measured way he asks Adam “Don’t you? One day?” does very little to disguise the hope for the positive answer. _

_ Adam fears he’s about to break Tommy’s heart and he suddenly wants to stop this conversation at least until they get home. “Tommy,” Adam says in a resigned tone. _

_ Shaking his head vigorously Tommy says. “Don’t you Tommy me, you brought it up. It’s not like it’s a dealbreaker or anything. If you don’t want kids just tell me and we’ll go from there.” _

_ That should bring ease to Adam, but instead he gets frustrated that Tommy seems to think getting a kid is an easily fixed thing. “You say that like getting a kid is the easiest thing in the world. In case you haven’t noticed…. You can’t exactly get pregnant baby.” _

_ “That’s what this is about? Adam I realize there’s paperwork, money and legal issues connected to getting a child when you’re in a gay relationship, but that doesn’t mean it can’t be done.” _

_ Adam frowns because it sounds like Tommy’s put some thought into this. “So you’d be fine with not passing on your genes?” _

_ “If it means that I’ll have you and a kid, hell yes. If it means I’ll “only” have you, hell yes!” Tommy sounds like it’s the most obvious thing in the world. “Though, I might insist on stealing Lisa’s kids as often as possible,” he adds with a laugh. _

_ “You thought about this.” _

_ “Of course I have. I also happen to know what states to elope to if you, sometime out in our bright future, decide to ask me the big question.” Tommy smirks and wiggles his eyebrows. _

_ “Jesus Tommy,” Adam says, the happiness he feels about all this radiating through his voice. “The things you make me want.” _

_ Tommy’s eyes get darker and his voice oozes sex. “As long as it starts with your dick shoved far up my ass as soon as we get home, we’re good.” _

_ Adam groans; when Tommy talks like that Adam can’t fucking control his body. Pure lust pools dark and liquid in his groin. “Fuck, baby.” _

_ “That’s the general idea, yeah.” _

_ God, Adam loves this man; he just needs to figure out how to actually say it to him. _

“I think… I really do think we’re going to make it. Grow old and grumpy together and I think it might be time for us to tell the world that we’re it, together. I think I’m ready for that. I just have to tell you that I love you first. It’s such a stupid thing to be scared of. Not getting the words returned to you, especially thinking about the talk we had yesterday about creating a family together, but I am. It feels like a test I have to pass, one if I fail could end up killing me. I wish I had the nerve to just wake you up and say it, damn the consequences.”

Tommy shifts again, his erection pressing deliciously against Adam’s hip and it makes Adam shut up. Here he is all serious and so freaking in love that he spent his night gazing upon his boyfriend whispering some of the most treasured moments of their story to him, and said boyfriend hasn’t heard one word but a few suggestive caresses and the man responds immediately. Adam will never complain about how easy Tommy is, though, it’s frigging wonderful. A laughter bubbles in his chest and the rumble awakens Tommy.

Sleepy brown eyes looks at him puzzled. “Honey? Why are you awake?”

“I couldn’t sleep. I had a lot on my mind so I’ve been spending my night just looking at you.”

Tommy rubs his eyes with the root of his hands and moves a bit higher up on Adam’s chest. “I’d say it was creepy if it wasn’t my favorite activity when my insomnia strikes.”

“Looking at me?” Adam asks in wonder, catching Tommy’s gaze.

“Hmm. Are you gonna give me one of those awesome good morning kisses?” Tommy rolls off Adam and back onto the mattress.

The only sounds in the room are the soft whisper of sheets moving across bodies and they mix with the flicker of the candlelight when Adam takes Tommy’s lips in a slow, lazy kiss. The barely there sigh of contentment from Tommy gives Adam the sign to deepen the kiss. Licking into Tommy’s mouth, Adam moves to cover him with his body, and when Tommy moves with him it’s so easy, effortless the way they speak this ancient language. Soft lingering caresses and faint echoes of moans of pleasure and whispered words leave no room for the world outside.

When it’s like this he can draw the prettiest sounds from Tommy, the most wrecked ones. So Adam kisses and licks Tommy’s throat, all the way up to his ear, taking his time just to make Tommy roll his head to the side and bite his lips to keep the moans in. Adam steals those moans anyway with another deep kiss as Tommy’s hands ghost over Adam’s shoulders down his back, following his spine. A leg gets hooked around his and Adam matches the slow movements of Tommy’s hips. 

It could end here in gentle, thorough kisses and lingering caresses; there’s no violent urgency yet like when they came home from Tommy’s mom a few hours ago. But Adam also loves it like this, this is where he can show Tommy just how loved he is and Tommy will let him.

He loves the feeling of Tommy’s soft chest hair on his lips. He laps teasingly at nipples and kisses his way down, his fingers tracing the outline of the ribcage when he reaches the curly pubic hair, and Tommy sucks in a sharp breath in pleasure. Adam loves it, he gets the same response when his hands span Tommy’s narrow hips and he kisses his hard length. Wantonly Tommy opens his legs further, gentle hands in Adam’s hair guide him and Adam takes his time, licking Tommy open until those hands curl up in fists and tug at Adam desperately. There are no more words just sounds, wrecked gorgeous sounds. Adam pushes gently at Tommy, making him roll onto his side before reaching for the lube. Spooning behind him Adam gets as close as he can, kissing Tommy’s cheek, licking the shell of his ear before trailing his fingers along Tommy’s cleft. Tommy lifts his leg and Adam takes his time, fingers working Tommy wet and open while they kiss deeply and playfully. 

When he finally pushes in it’s slow, maddeningly slow. Tommy’s fingers dig into his hips, pulling him impossible closer. He takes a moment before he starts to move and when he does it’s like the kisses. Gentle, thorough and deliciously slow. He keeps them on the brink of orgasm but nowhere near pushing them over for as long as Tommy can take it. When Tommy starts to writhe and the hold on Adam’s arm across Tommy’s chest gets harder, when nails dig into skin in a silent plea, Adam complies. With hard sharp thrusts he gets them there, whispering endearments right until the moment where his lungs are too tight and their orgasms get drawn out of them long and liquid.

Boneless and sated he slips out of Tommy, earning a grunt before Tommy turns in his arms. Tommy cradles his face and presses a soft kiss to his lips. “I love you.”

For a moment Adam can’t breathe, only stare helplessly into Tommy’s eyes. A small lazy smile plays at Tommy’s lips as he stares back. Lost to the world, Adam swallows. “I love you too.”

Tommy snuggles close, resting his head on Adam’s chest and yawning. Adam can hear how Tommy’s breathing gets heavier as he gets close to drifting off to sleep again.

“I want to tell the world,” he whispers, not sure if Tommy will even hear him. “Is that okay?”

He gets a sleepy chuckle. “Was just waiting for you honey. Now get some sleep.”

Somehow, and Adam isn’t even gonna bother finding out how or why, mostly because he already knows deep down inside why, he’s suddenly very sleepy.

The end.

 


End file.
